"Advocacy and Energy"

It's been a while since I started this blog. I have so much to say and so much to share, however it is content I should not put on a public forum. However, I have also been unable to express myself and concerns in the appropriate setting.

Personalities clash. People are different. What is right, what is appropriate, what is reasonable, what is vindictive is relative. I still believe that certain people aren't bad, just misguided and believe what they are doing is right. I may be one of them. For a person who has vowed to live drama free, it seems drama follows.

I've been told this week, I need to be less vocal, I need to pull back. This, to me, is telling me to not be me. To not stand up for myself. To not advocate for others. Advocate for your patients (to a certain extent it seems) but not anyone else. Telling me to not be what a Social Worker is made of to the core. I am not ready to accept complacency. I am not ready to accept the continued ignoring of soul sucking.

Soul sucking that has stolen my energy to live a life, to clean my home, to get to work on time. The powerlessness I have felt lately, has shut me down. Taken my energy so I am unable to comment on the world outside within this blog.

Time to care for myself. Take a break. Unable to fully do so, as I feel like I am letting my patients down, not being there. But if I was, I wouldn't be able to properly function, and still let them down, not giving my usual 150%.

Reconciling the need to be away for me and the need to be there for them is proving difficult.

My energy has been taken elsewhere and trapped. Do I accept futility? Is it really futile? Will I be the one to start much needed change or will I be the one to be targeted, labelled, and crushed?

Can I ignore the internal push to say something? To do something? When it just doesn't feel right. When I know its not right? I don't think I can. But what will that mean for my future as a Social Worker here?

Dynamics are a part of life. The solution is usually to remove the negative from your life. This negative I can't remove from my life. Not without removing myself from that setting. That I will not do. I will not be pushed out. How do I co-exist with the fear, the anxiety, the backstabbing? Backstabbing that isn't considered backstabbing or wrong by the other party. The other party genuinely being hurt by what they believe to be true. The other party of a personality type that is unable to see outside their own world, outside their own idea of how things should be. Unable to ever see my perception. Unable to try to understand me when I always try to understand them and give the benefit of the doubt. How can I win? How can I ever be free from their judging and what they see a corrective punishment, but what I see as overreacting without trying to understand why?

Perception and Belief is what Reality is made of. One's reality in a moment can be so different to another's reality in what is supposedly the same moment.